After hearing about the story from several people, I finally sat down to study the heated interaction between Tony Robbins and the woman supporting the #MeToo movement at a recent event of his.
If you haven’t heard, Tony’s statements about anger being a way to be in “victimhood” created a lot of backlash.
I saw things in this interaction that few people are talking about because of our mind’s addiction to “right” and “wrong” thinking. The media and people supporting the #MeToo movement quickly jumped to a hard judgment: “Tony Robbins was wrong to say that,” and he has since apologized.
I disagree with Tony that anger isn’t helpful. Neither do I believe that if we feel anger we are necessarily playing the victim. We could be—but it’s not a given. We can use anger and protest in ways that are helpful instead of in ways that will cause us more upset and not protect us from repeating the past.
Here’s the video.
Please post your comments below. I’d love to hear what you think. I don’t want to hear whether you think Tony was “right” or “wrong.” He said many things in his spiel. Let’s get past the black-and-white thinking that is hurting us. I’d love to know if you up for a more refined and subtle conversation about it. If so, post below what you learned from what happened or about what I shared in this week’s Awaken TV video.
Much love,
Rachael Jayne
Rage is is justifiable anger when there is an injustice. Rage teaches us the truth.
I get Tony Robbins’ point of view. Martin Luther King was expressing rage at the injustice of discrimination. Both are taking a stand against self-pity and victimization to see the truth in the injustice of the matter.
Collective Culture thinks that rage means violence but that is not accurate.
I think Tony Robbins is over-rated and under critized and this faux pas is just a desparete way to draw attention to himself to generate interest and ultimately more income for himself!
Rachael Jayne, I have not followed the Tony Robbins “drama” so it’s easy for me not to comment on his rightness or wrongness – I can say with utter certainty I have no opinion or clue! I appreciate your insights on peaceful resistance as action, and as a way of changing the conversation around divisive topics. Negative energy is so easy to put out there and vitriol is contagious. What could we accomplish if we could harness positive energy in a meaningful and sustainable way?
It is not just the comments by Tony Robbins that bothers me. I understand his point of view although I do not subscribe to it. The bigger issue was in his physical stance and the way in which he approached her. He was bullying her. Not to prove a point but to overpower and intimidate her. I see no viable excuse or cause for dialog that could negate the actions he took to silence her simply because he, himself was uncomfortable with the conversation. In fact he reiterated the need for the #me too movement because he personifies the actions of many men who when confronted by strong women result to intimidation to silence them.
I agree with your statement. I believe I understood where he was coming from, but I too felt he was being intimading, on the bullying side.
Thanks, Debbie!
OK, so here it goes. *deep breath…. I feel I have to write this first, for you to know where I am coming from:
So I ”found you” and first listened to you about a year ago. And sorry, I am writing this with love, but we just didn’t click <3 I read from you once in a while, mostly because I felt that there was something there and because I like to click with people. I wanted to see if we can repair our relationship 🙂 . And about a month ago when I was listening to something you posted and found myself smiling.
”Nice” I thought.
But was still very hesitant opening this video.
But Woman! You have spoken my heart!!!! THANK YOU! I love every word you say, you totally voice my (and many of my friends’) feelings and thoughts in a very grounded, loving, down-to-earth and caring way.
You are a queen and you are my heroine! Thank you for stepping up and sharing your heart and soul.
Warmly
A new fan
This isn’t about agree/disagree. This is all about going deeper. What we resist persists is fine. But let’s ALL go deeper than that. Including ALL of the spiritual teachers, including yourself. Go deeper into your own biases and constantly continue the journey of learning and growing. And That is what Tony did not do. He was resisting his own learning of what the #metoo movement is about and used his physical size to intimidate and overpower a woman physically much smaller than he was. He needs to authentically apologize for that. Which he has not done. The collective consciousness is begging for more connection and we have to actually witness the pain and agony of the “other” in order to do that. So yeah, if you’re in the public eye and unwilling and unable to in the moment see Oh! I’m doing harm here, I need to stop, be willing to learn and apologize AND DO BETTER, then yeah, you’re going to be in “hot water.” It’s time to go deeper and stop just playing on the surface.
Thank you Rachael Jayne for this amazing reply to the Tony Robbins comment!!! I don’t usually reply but I absolutely loved it, and completely agree with you that what the world wants is a black or white answer. When you have a black or white answer, there is no question on how to “feel”, but when we are in the middle, it can bring back those childhood feelings of being out of control because there are so many possibilities and that brings up fear. Having said that though, even the black and white is needed at times. There is room for it all! When we make room for it all, that’s when the creative parts of ourselves flourish!!! We need more people like you to stand out and be an example of how important it is to see the bigger picture. Especially when it comes to the sensitive topic of the #Me too movement!! You make me proud to be a woman!!
Thanks so much, Tina!
I agree that this was not a good way to prove his point. I also feel that anger is a useful tool. Unfortunately, we are often “not home” and we react with anger and/or resistance. We are changing such a permeating cultural idea that it is okay for a man to use his physical power to get what he wants from a woman that some are saying that a woman having a NORMAL response is wrong. Each situation is different, we need to use our Spiritual superpowers to respond to EACH situation. We need to practice seeking this help, like you say in your video.
Thanks for sharing your comments, Jayanne!
I made several observations about Tony Robbins and the woman from the #me too movement. From my observation, I heard 2 separate conversations going on with 2 different agendas present. I agree with you, Rachel Jayne, that Tony was not present. He did not come from a place (state) of power, the heart space he is known for. I also agree that Tony was not listening to her. He used an analogy and physical reaction not suited to the situation, an error in judgement. I heard quite a bit of defensiveness from both of them. He talked about anger and victimization, this whole thing had me wondering who was mirroring whom in this situation. To me, this definitely, was not a black or white controversy, there’s more beneath the surface. It does sadden me how quickly it was made to be.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Gail!
RJ
Appreciate your wise comments. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I think your distinctions are right on the money. Thank you for helping to clarify a very sticky situation. I’m a Tony Robbins fan also. Hopefully, Tony will watch your video too
Thanks much, Laurel!
Hi Rachael,
I’ve never seen the video of him with the woman. I do remember a beautiful Buddhist teaching from a teacher of mine in college. She said that anger is a powerful energy and it usually tells us that someone has violated our boundaries. It’s up to us to then protect ourselves but by controlling the energy. I also do feel that there is such a thing as righteous anger, which certainly exists in most spiritual traditions. Righteous anger can align us to life force because it’s a recognition that something is off, justice is a high level of harmony with the laws of dharma, it rectifies wrong action. I think this is something we really can attune to.
Thanks for sharing this teaching, Yael!
I feel conpassion for him, as he clearly got a bowl with very heated oil (his message) into a wildfire (awakening women) without being prepared.. And gee it is difficult to shine bright and be present and grounded all the time.. if it is so difficult for me, it might also not be easy even for a man of such statue.. I feel for him)))
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Taissia!
Greetings, Rachael Jayne!
This topic about white/black -either/or is THE topic I feel most passionate about. I don’t know enough about the details of this situation to speak about it and I agree 100% that it, like almost every issue of conflict, care should be taken to look carefully at the nuances, intentions, and context. Most of all, I think it’s good to remember that we’re dealing with human beings and all their flaws, limitations, emotions and history.
Taking a both/AND approach as you did allows us to learn from this situation on so many levels. Learning makes room for change, and knowing what’s helping your cause and what’s holding you back is way more important than being right (or wrong). You did a great job showing how this is true.
I loved the message about how the people who hate have more energy around their POV (paraphrase). I have been working out a theory that there is not enough compassion to allow us to solve our problems. I believe that whoever’s most committed to their cause wins and I also believe that the people who are “winning” right now are those pushing THEIR right/wrong agenda rather than looking for an outcome that supports all constituents.
Thank you for sharing your beauty and wisdom with us. I always appreciate hearing your perspective, especially since you deliver your messages with integrity, candor and compassion.
Thanks so much, Julie!
Taking a break from writing my book on Emotional Mastery. Here’s my take: 1) Emotions are given to us as tools to help us navigate life. Each emotion offers us a signal. One of Anger’s two signals is “Take Action.” We often use anger to help us go into action, most usually when we haven’t been allowing ourselves to take action already. Eventually we learn to be empowered and take action without having to feel angry first! 2) Working with events that provoke hurt and anger involves a “process.” When we hold feelings inside for a long time, they grow in strength and then erupt (sometimes violently) when released. “MeToo” is the “eruption process,” if you will. BEFORE we can bring these emotions and our behaviors into rationality and calmness, we need to release them (get out of resistance to knowing they are present or allowing them). This is a very uneven experience–lotsa ups and downs! First part of the process: release. Pointless to blame or fault-find others, really, but this is very often what people do. (The entire situation we have designed for our OWN learning, so blaming others makes no sense. Better we thank them for doing their part so well!) 3) Tony is not “wrong”–he’s developed his own emotional self to a place where he is quite a few blocks ahead in the journey. Hard to see what’s happening behind him! The real issue is that he’s responding from a place of forgetting, somewhat, all that’s involved in going through the beginning of the process. (I have this issue, too. Someone around me gets upset and I see it as so UN-necessary! For me, it is–for them, it’s necessary in their process. On the earth, we must go through something in order to get beyond it!) We are in a time of revealing un-truths. I believe this is happening because as we move into more 5th-Dimensional lives, it will be impossible to keep secrets. Humanity is going through a big purge–getting all that is hidden out into the open. Overall, it’s a time for us to become conscious, get in charge of ourselves, start speaking our own truths, and become empowered. None of us is perfect; we all have our “off” days where we don’t quite dovetail with others. I see our earth as a giant school, to which we’ve all come in order to grow and evolve. In this process, no one is right or wrong. We’re all just learners!
Thanks for sharing your ‘bigger picture’ perspective, Ilene!
I think that both the woman and Tony had valid points and opinions and a deeper conversation would be helpful to create understanding of both what was valid and what wasn’t.
Neither party seemed interested in really hearing the other party.
I don’t think this was completely fair to Tony to bring this up at his event but understand without doing so she might not have had any other chance.
Having followed Tony’s teachings and benefited from them for many years myself I have no doubt that he could have handled this more compassionately. He commonly uses intimidating tools, size, voice, words to get the attention of attendees and shake them out of negative states, so I don’t think he was merely trying to intimidate this woman although I can see it came across that way.
I think people stepping up like you did here, Rachael, and pointing out that it isn’t all black and white is what will depeen the conversation, understanding and compassion for all.
My intention in this reply is not to defend Tony or say the woman was right, I merely want to point out that we cannot makes others be more compassionate or understanding without being compassionate and understanding ourselves.
I think it is a good thing this conversation happened, even if it was not handled well, because it gives us all an opportunity to think deeper and discuss this on a deeper level.
We all have the chance to make a difference here.
Thanks for sharing your comments on both party’s perspectives, Edie. Such powerful words about being compassionate and understanding!
I think anger can be used in a healthy way, but if people get stuck in it, that DOES keep them in victimhood. To truly recover from any kind of wrongdoing someone has done to you, you must forgive your attacker. People often don’t realize that forgiveness is not excusing what the other person did; it’s releasing yourself from those chains of anger that keep you bound to that person. Once you realize that the person who hurt you probably can’t even remember who you are, and that you’re punishing yourself for that person’s crime, it’s easier to let go of the anger and forgive.
Thanks for sharing your comments about forgiveness, Chris!
Thanks for speaking up on this! I did not see the incident, yet note from the comments that someone in a position of power, known as a ‘guru’ has some explaining to do, and to exemplify the truth from which he comes – when he is present. What a reminder to us all!
Thanks, Isabell!
Thank you Rachael all emotion is action & through presence we get to use the life force effectively. The action can create or destroy as with all polarity. I once raged for the rights of pregnant women with many but now with some wisdom under my belt I can see how effective presence is compared to simply raging in anger. The understanding of presence precedes strategy to create effective change would have made such a difference had a known. Great conversstion.
Thanks for your comments, Vicki, and bringing it back to the understanding (and importance) of presence!
I am so excited about any refined and subtle discussions. When I saw your title I thought you were talking about the racial divide conversations in this country which I’m very interested in and I think the same idea applies. I am so encouraged by a diversity of voices being heard in my community and that is my strong focus, diversity of voices over forced or assumed consensus.
Thanks for referencing the diversity of voices, Felicity!
I just led a Right Use of Power seminar and re-experienced first hand how slippery a slope it is for me, as a man, to speak honestly about my experience and reactions regarding discrimination and abuse against women. There is a pressing need for diversity education that allows privileged people to engage as motivated allies rather than shamed perpetrators. Also for there to be space for fumbling and hurt as we work to understand each other’s experiences. The renewed emphasis on procedures and practices, as well as just punishment for bad behavior, is way overdue and a salutary effect of MeToo. However, to what I believe was Tony’s intended, if fumbled, point, without addressing the attitudes and habits that continue to inform mistrust, fear and alienation, I am concerned we could be going backwards in terms of impact, especially in the workplace.
This SNL skit on the topic is amazing, simultaneously hilarious and horrifying: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZqdeeKVoBc&feature=youtu.be
I was moved to write this last October:
Reading the explosion of “me too’s.” Equal parts depressing (at the sheer scale of it) and heartening (that it is being named). As I read the stories I am reminded that the physical and emotional violence of these non-consensual assaults and power trips is not the worst of this stuff. Much more difficult perhaps is the loss of self-confidence and trust, the self-doubt and uncertainty about the world being a safe place that these kind of experiences often evoke. Those effects can keep rippling out in lost opportunities, diminished happiness and struggles to relate.
I say this as a man who has been personally intimate with the effects of brutality on women. While I didn’t do it and it didn’t happen to me, having a front row seat was nonetheless debilitating with long term emotional consequences. The sense of impotent rage and hurt was pretty hard to deal with. I felt emotionally emasculated, full of shame and guilt, sorrow, fear and regret. Add to that the extra layers of complexity such experiences add to the already challenging aspects (including power dynamics) of being in an intimate relationship and you have a hot mess. It has taken a lifetime to accommodate this within my psyche.
So somebody’s strong desire to have the satisfaction of a moment of domination over another human just continues to ripple out, an insanely unbalanced equation.
There is an important nuance here that I would like to share with my brothers. I hope I can articulate this. As more openness about these crappy experiences unfolds, I suspect we may witness more of the rage that lies underneath the surface for many women—both from their personal experiences and also their collective heritage. If you care and are open to hearing about it, there is a good chance some of this anger is going to land on you.
You may be called out for bad intentions when you meant no harm. That may or may not be fair. We may be called to pay the price for the sins of our ancestors, the sleazy gurus and brutes among us, in addition to whatever our personal crimes may have been. Being willing to understand and empathize, to offer some extra space without getting defensive, is great work for us as men who are committed to healing and standing tall in our manhood in true ways. Do not crumble and turn into a self-effacing weakling. Be slow to push back. Practice the gentleness that comes from inner strength and compassion. Cry if you need to. Join with other men to dance all the intensity of your strength and courage.
And of course, the whole thing is a great reminder to reconsider the use, or misuse, of power in all our relationships.
Thank you for your powerful sharing, Mike!
I believe the issue is when we STAY in anger. Anger is a useful tool, but no tool can be used for everything. Anger is one step in the process and people who stay angry are drinking poison. I believe this is the point that Tony was trying to drive home. The way he approached the woman was not acceptable. The physical intimidation was not acceptable. This is what he needs to apologize for. He made himself weaker than he would have ever made himself by being quiet and listening a moment. He didn’t want his energy derailed. He didn’t want to be called out in public because he knew he wasn’t able to have a healthy conversation about it on-the-spot.
Hopefully in the future he will be more functional in his communication.
Thanks for sharing your perspective on the point Tony was trying to drive home, Tracey!
Did not see or hear this episode but it calls everything that this ‘time’ is all about into play. Tony Robbins is an amazing man who has changed the face of his culture in his time and that does not make him authority. Right there it is interesting to See how we react to what he says. My neighbour feels very violated these days in a situation and rightfully so and yet the depth of her anger excludes that she does have a role, one where what she says and does at this pivotal place in history can turn the energy toward healing Light. She does not expect to be heard, even if she is. And she wants someone to make it all go away or fix it because it is ‘wrong’. That plays over and over and seems to feed the continuance of the old. If we stand for what matters to us, the world will change now. It did not before, even 20 years ago, but Now, now I See the change.
Thanks especially for your comments about standing for what matters to us, and seeing the change now!
Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more, Rachel and I thank you for saying it! I’ll add to it. I believe much of our social disorder is due to anger not being understood and surely internalized which could then mean rage. And anger is certainly not understood as a secondary emotion. Hurt and fear are often the underlying emotions that then can cause anger and rage. Face those underlying emotions, speak of that hurt or fear in safety and freedom is within reach. I have also allowed my anger or rage to fuel many positive outcomes. I invite any of you to witness the creative way in which this survivor gave meaning to it all. History is written by the survivors!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience with us!
Dear Toni,
Does this look like a victim?
Sacred & Public Art
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/sacred-public-art-j-madison-rink/
Thank you for putting this out Rachel, I am posting without listening to your full video so I can come from an authentic place I feel within myself. I haven’t been following what has been going on with Tony Robbins but I have witness from a smaller group what has been going on abut the metoo-movement…it has a ripple effect on a lot of levels. I feel this is a shift in humanity that will for sure bring change and awareness for both men and women. I’m feeling the move in myself… which made me move into a field that I haven’t been involved in and feel brings a lot of value on this topic from the perspective of sex education. In this trainging called sexological bodywork we talked about issues like consent, being present in your body and stating your boundries. Through this experience I have learned that we need to be more educated on this topic, it causes so much distress in the world because it’s a topic we never clearly learned to us our voice in. I have learned that we have such different perspectives on live and it’s so easy to misunderstand each other (not just men and women) where in the end we all are longing for love and connection. It’s becoming even in the field of tantra and sex education a which hunt for men misbehaving. I really feel this blaming game needs to stop so we can move this to the next level. I feel it’s time that sex steps out of it’s taboo zone and becomes more part of what we teach our children. Past what is easy accessible for them on the internet in the form of porn and the romantic movies. I feel there’s a sex revolution coming up which is truly needed, stepping out of the shame and blame game but educating and empowering yourself, both men and women through (embodied) sex education, knowing what is sex to us and how we want to bring it into the world, past our conditioning on this topic. With this presence on this amazing powerful and pleasurable life force it will become the power of unity and not of separation, meeting each other in a way that allows growth and expansion.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Nouty!
Some valid points, People see things differently based on what emotional state they are in. However, I think the most powerful point Tony made was about the CEO, he knew who was afraid to hire a woman. This is REAL. Let’s look at the man’s view in all this. I talk to lots of guys who are pissed about how the metoo movement has gone too far. Men, especially the white conservative male are continuously being bashed.
Rape and anything violent towards any human being is wrong. We are continuously in a game of separation. Male vs Female. Black vs White. Straight vs Homosexual. Christian vs Muslim. On and on and on. And yes Rachel, right vs wrong.
There needs to be more communication and respect as a whole. I don’t think either Tony or the woman were wrong at all. They both had different views and when we sit and talk to each other we can learn and understand better. Seems it is easier to blame, lash out, insult and judge these days.
The metoo movement has done some good. Being angry can create action but it needs to come with a desire to resolve, not destroy. Trying to destroy Tony is not going to solve anything.
And as far as having compassion for him. My guess is he will be fine. That is what makes him so great. Apologize and move on.
Thank you for your response, Thea, and for contributing to this important larger conversation.
As a Survivor now Thriver from Childhood abuse, I refuse to jump on this campaign, I think it does nothing for our healing but exploit us.
I however have gone through the court system, and found no satisfaction there either.
Healing is from the inside out, and often, there are complications, we have no words for.
For me it has been a life long journey, and I may pay dearly for my choices now, but they are mine to make.
Being a victim is something I was good at for decades, but it really did nothing to move me towards being a productive citizen or even to take care of myself or my children. What did was someone calling me on my crap, being in victim mode…it hurt but it worked.
I today am a manager of a store, and support myself and my children just fine. Something I never thought possible.
Today, I have a relationship with my Higher Power, which I call Creator and we are moving forward not backwards or sideways.
Being in victim mode, can take all your energy and allow you to blame everything and everyone, it do not enable you to do much or be much.
Victim, Survivor, and now a thriver…it can be done.
Thank you, Pamela, for sharing your own healing path with us.
So true .. (most) woman feel, know, understand that metoo# is a Divine energy. A knowing, not based on judgement, victimhood or else. It’s just a natural boundary ….woman are allowed to re-own it. Metoo# can simply feel as a blessing, just by the energy alone. I saw many woman in my coaching practice … words were for a moment not needed anymore and it gave a big release of tension.
It’s just the message that time is over from little unequal actions to big abuse.
For many man it’s a blind spot, an unknown energy, even for Tony and that’s painful to see. Man confuses the natural boundary with their projected emotions . And yes, it must be hard to be a man too, to feel surrounded by so many woman who had the experience in life of being dishonored in a physical way. To have that responsibility, to understand the unnatural site of it, to really start feeling where the boundaries are given by the Divine.
Thank you so much for your gentle wonderfull words.
Thank you for sharing your observations on this important topic, Shael!
I don’t know much about Tony Robbins work but came upon his #MeToo comments just after seeing a short doc about his background. Particularly looking at how his mother treated him. If he was triggered, it looks like he might have cause. We are, in the end of the day human, but I suppose it’s what happens then… And I was interested generally on his talk about the human need for ‘significance’. In another time and context, I’d give that all the time and thought in the world. However, regarding MeToo, I read a wonderful article (I’m so sorry I haven’t kept the link) written by a woman who works with both (separately) men and women who have survived situations of abuse. When she posts comment about her work with men – the response is positive and supported by everybody (as it should be!!). When she posts comment about her work with women, she’ll get backlash, she’ll get knee jerk ‘this happens to men too’ and the kind of response that Tony Robbins has made. I’m paraphrasing my understanding of what sounds to me like… you (woman) are wrong for expressing the fact that you have stood down wind of what is actually legally recognised as criminal behaviour. Can you imagine being told to never mention to anybody that your house was burgled because nobody would believe you anyway, or you were just looking for attention, or because it would prove that you hate men (men being statistically more likely to be involved in home invasion)? Me neither. For me ‘MeToo’ isn’t about rage (although a body could be forgiven for being rattled imho) but another run at trying to be heard – and at trying to make the situation better. It would be lovely if the likes of Tony Robbins just said ‘this is a dreadful situation, how can we make it right.’
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Olive.
I was so so happy to see your work. But This article is just disappointing and looks like a gossip channel,
how is the question of what do you think about the TR episode relevant? Since when did opinions become relevant? is that not partly purpose of your teaching- to let opinions not affect the person?
This post is adding to the noise- otherwise, what’s the purpose? What’s the agenda?
Thanks for sharing, Jas. I really wanted to share my opinion on this one because people often see things as so black and white, right and wrong, and I think that is not helpful.