He had them laughing their heads off.
My husband Datta delivered a presentation on men and relationships that had everyone at our Art of Feminine Presence™ USA event this week laughing pretty hard!
There were serious moments too, and lots of great questions from the women present on this topic.
I thought it would be helpful to bring Datta in for today’s Awaken TV episode to answer a question that we get asked a lot from conscious, caring women.
If you have ever complained about the “fragile male ego,” but at the same time you long for supportive harmonious relationships with men, this is a video to watch today.
We’ll be doing more “Dear Datta” episodes in the months to come, so make sure you post any questions you would like Datta to tackle in the future.
We’d love to hear from you. Post your question below, or your comment on the 3 tips that Datta shared in this video.
Much love,
P.S. Our Art of Feminine Presence Europe event is just around the corner. Join me this year to experience what it’s like to “be seen” in the way that you want, to connect with the relaxation of your feminine essence, and do some deep spiritual work and leadership training – all rolled into one amazing event.
Check out dates and worldwide locations here: http://RachaelJayne.com/AFP
Wow … a strong woman honoring the beliefs and feelings of vulnerable man as truth. I am impressed. You and Datta are quite a team. I have liked and been following you for a year now … and this keeps me going.
Thanks for the kind words, Dawn. I feel we’re a good team together, and I’m glad you see that, too!
Rachael Jayne, meet my sister Dawn. Dawn I am so glad you are enjoying RJ and Datta too. Sending love to 2 fabulous women! And you too Datta, thanks of getting on camera and helping us all. Love, Laurel
Thanks Laurel. It has definitely been a pleasure for me.
I look forward to getting in front of the camera more often.
Hi there Dawn! Welcome to the family. Thanks Laurel.
LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank you so much for your wonderful work. 🙂
You’re very welcome, Tess. We love you, too!
Great points, Datta! Treating men with respect is a great idea and practice for sure.
Absolutely, Adele. Datta had some great bits of advice this week, don’t you think?
Deep respect to you and Datta, I love you guys together. You obviously have a great deal of love and respect for each other. The timing of this eShot could not have been better. It popped in to my inbox right after I came home from a very difficult meeting with a challenging client (male client). I have to say though that what’s suggested here does not sit well with me – and I know that is to do with me, where I am on my life journey and what’s going on with me than it as to do with you or Datta – or the suggestions. But for me to do what is being suggested here feels really unsafe. See, I’ve had this knack of attracting very controlling men into my life over the years. Despite this, I am successful – although not in love. I don’t compete with men nor brag about my success. I’ve no interest in competing with men for anything other than my own personal freedom, which is the only thing I truly fight for. The money, jobs, car, they can have, I don’t care but I want to be in charge of me and my life, not them. So, the suggestions in this video (in my case) feel like pandering to their controlling ways, being as controlling men are the only ones I have experience of. I know I need to work on myself. Perhaps you have some gems of enlightenment on this 🙂 I’m sorry my post is not more positive (see, there I go apologising!) but I do love you guys and think what you are doing is very valuable.
I’m interested in Rachael Jayne’s thoughts on this but my impulse is to honour your need for safety. I would suggest starting out with giving over one area that isn’t crucial for you as a way to get comfortable with letting go of control. You’ve already made the big step in recognizing that you need to work on yourself. Congratulate yourself on that step and on each next step your take, however small. As you heal the patterns more confident men who don’t need to control will come into your life and you can look at a healthier relationship.
Thank you Alison for your comments. I find myself there as well.
Thanks for your comments, Alison. Can you tell me a little more what you mean about what you feel is unsafe? Do you mean having a single joint account?
Hi Alison, thanks so much for sharing. If you already do the 3 things we are talking about in the video, that is not the issue for you. There are many different reasons why women attract controlling men. I wish it would be easy for me to help you over the internet like this, but as you know it’s more complicated than that. It is sometimes about parental issues (Father being controlling, or not controlling enough) sometimes it’s boundary issues and those men smell it a mile away.
WHen I tune into you, my sense is you have somewhat of a clear idea of why this pattern keeps repeating. The question then really is: Are you practicing the opposite of that pattern every day of your life to create a new pattern.
I wish we were in the same room talking about this. Much love
So helpful, Rachael and Datta. Thank you, thank you.
Anytime, Alyse. There will be more Dear Datta coming in the future, too, so stay tuned!
Datta, referring to your first tip of enlisting your man in your success: My son’s girlfriend is always asking her partner for advice on her career. He’s a thoughtful person and actually gives her some great advice, which she acknowledges. But then, she doesn’t take it to action. Instead, she moves on in her own process and comes up with a different direction and more requests for advice. My observation is that she wears this guy down and what was once an enthusiastic response on his part, has morphed into something negative…I can’t tell if he’s feeling rejection, feeling discounted, annoyed or maybe all of these or something different. I gently suggested to her that she process with her female friends first, who aren’t usually troubled by this back and forth. Then she can edit herself, and not do her up front processing with him, only going for advice when she’s more certain of her direction and ready to take the advice. This dynamic is a subtle thing, which on the surface looks respectful of him, but from the outside, I question if it’s working. Will you please weigh in on this from a man’s point of view? I think the world of this young woman and would love to see things work out for my son. Thanks! Gay
Hi there… My suggestion would be that if his advice isn’t resonating with her she should discuss that with him. Explain why it might not work for her and see if he has an idea how to change it around. He would probably give another option that she would like. Or at least she should come back and fully love him for the advice he did give and tell him how it made her think of this other thing she decided to do.
When a man goes to other men and asks for advice we all know that the response are “options.” The assumption, though, is that you will take one of those options not come up with it yourself. If you were going to do it yourself you shouldn’t have engaged us. Because men only go to other men for advice when we CANNOT solve it ourselves. Until we get to that point we will sit in our cave and try to figure it out.
If she doesn’t take it she better give tons of love to show all the ways he supports her. We need to feel the love from our support of our lady.
I think you have a very wise point of view on this, Gay. One of the differences between men and women is that we process things differently, and women tend to like to talk things out. I can definitely see how he would feel discouraged over being asked for help, giving his best, and have it always disregarded.
The suggestion to her would be as you say (talk to her girlfriends first), and bring in your son when she’s farther along in her decision-making process. Also, she could be upfront with him and ask if he’s okay if she talks things out with him without taking action on any ideas or suggestions. AND be okay if he says “no.”
The problem is how to get that advice into her hands, which could be easier said than done.
Hi Datta and Rachel! Thanks for this video! I have a question for you Datta – what advice would you have for women in relationships with men who tend to be emotionally closed off? My husband is a good man, and he has a good heart, but in his daily life he is usually almost entirely disconnected from emotion and feels neutral/numb much of the time. I would love for him to open up to his feelings more (both positive and negative) and be able to be more connected with that aspect of himself, and in turn with me. I want to be able to create space and safety for him to do this, without causing him to feel like I am pushing him to change (because that just creates feelings of inadequacy and resentment for him). Suggestions?
Thank you!
Molly, are you vulnerable with him in many ways and SHOW him how he supports you in that way? Basically subtly teaching him how being vulnerable feels good?
Men can become numb because we don’t understand our emotions, lack the tools to process them, and don’t feel we are in a safe area where our emotions can be received by someone and we get love from it. So we shut down and go to our cave.
We never need to be told what to do but instead be offered options and loved fully for whatever decision we make. We need to trust that the person we open up to will not hold it over our heads or make us feel less than.
I’d start with the positive feelings only. Stay away from negative because they are too volatile. After a good interaction try to ask how he feels, hopes, dreams, etc… just find a way to get him to express something and turn it around to show how that supports YOU and you love him for doing that. This will help link SUPPORT of his woman to opening up.
Thanks for your suggestions. That seems like a great place to start!
Datta & Rachael Jayne, Great topic and tips. I was thinking about the actual words to use, when seeking to be non -competitive and when you know a guy you care about is making a decision that is not in alignment with his values or goals … what are the words or phrases you might use to gently open this conversation in a way that doesn’t make him feel defensive? I sometimes stay silent … which may be the best solution (let him figure it out) but I also sometimes feel that isn’t the best choice either.
Lisa, from my perspective…. We all make decisions for 100% valid reasons in the context and perspective that we live in.
Ask your guy, why he is making that decision. Get to understand how he sees it as valid. Then support it. Ask him if he would like another view. If he says yes then express the way you see it. Show him the benefits, etc and why you would do it that way in relation to the goals and values HE has.
Then let him decide which way to go. If he still picks his and ultimately falls on his face, NEVER say you were right or anything. Love him, pick him back up, support him just like a mom would. You never have to throw the “i was right card.” We already know you were right because you offered another way and we didn’t choose it.
Men ask for help when they need help fixing something. When they don’t ask for help they figure they have it all worked out BUT will always take alternate solutions if presented as such. A possibility, not a directive. Many women has a tendency of using “directive” energy in those cases.
Thanks Datta, I jotted down your wisdom and I am not in a relationship right this second, but I wonder does the joint bank account really work? If I were in a committed relationship/marriage and my husband was to surprise me with a trip to Vegas (using joint funds) I would probably get upset at the waste to money! So, thinking aloud right now, perhaps we should sit down and reveal what would bring each other pleasure gift-wise, money-spending-wise, and what would be likely to have an adverse affect. I agree with the principle. Victoria
I was advised many years ago that the best arrangement is 3 bank accounts – 1 joint account that covers all the household expenses that is contributed to either 50-50 or if one partner makes substantially more that the other in an agreed-upon percentage. Then each partner has their own account they can use for gifts and self-care.
great tip MK!
We do it like that, and it works perfectly. I don’t see how we need to work on that or if there are issues. It feels natural to do so, and has worked perfectly for the past 17 years.
Hi Victoria, I think having a joint account is definitely asking for a lot of trust. My philosophy on that is that if there is not enough trust to have joint funds, is there enough trust for an intimate relationship to survive?
That said, I think agreements and parameters are good and healthy. For example, if an expense is over $200 (or whatever amount you both agree on), check with the other party first.
As a man, wonderful advice overall. Personally I don’t agree with the multiple accounts. If you are in a marriage and cannot have a single account and use the money for the benefit of both of you, then you clearly have an issue to deal with. Also the humility comment is good but it has to be authentic and not one that has the subtle tone of I did this and you haven’t.
Male energy is structure and support. Use it to your benefit don’t discount it and turn it into a negative.
I also think Datta hit a great point on the “male ego.” Some of us have done the work and have control of it. Those that don’t usually is a result of feeling insecure. So have compassion and don’t throw it in every males face….
Love the video, great tips and I love Datta’s facial expressions when Rachael is talking. Really makes me smile.
To me, the third tip does not feel totally natural, maybe there is something in the midst of both sides? So no bragging, but maybe a little less surprised, especially if that is what is happening more often on events?
Great video <3
It’s something to practice, Elsewine, for all of us. Of course it should be authentic. The surprise can be real, especially when we see ourselves as no better than anyone else. We have different talents, different experience, sure. But none of us is any better than anyone else. It’s very true, and very easy to forget.
I love when Datta enters the picture for Awaken TV! It’s always such a pleasant surprise. 🙂 Datta, you mentioned in your first tip to find a way to engage your man in your success. Do you have any examples of ways to do this?
Thanks for asking, Shalvah. Yes, find a way that he wants to serve and let him. To do that, you might need to ask. For example saying something like “I would love your help on this project. What would you see yourself doing?” If you can give him an “area of authority” even better.
Datta & Racheal Jayne — thanks so much! I love your energy, ideas and heart.
Helpful for me in romance and business!
One additional practical tip: I like to encourage couples to have yours, mine AND ours money — so that each partner gets some money over which they make the choices, have the privacy and leadership. Then the ‘ours’ money can be a place of celebrating even more respect, humility, and compassion like you’ve shared here.
Love, Karen
Thanks Karen- that is a great idea. I like it!